Thursday, August 27, 2009

Listen Up Kids

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
~Shel Silverstein

I Couldn't Agree More

What You Thought You Wanted, Isn't

I know its been about 10 days since my last entry and quite a bit has happened. Last time we chatted I was in Awe of a past high school friend who seemed almost perfect. Well, not so much. We had a movie date and when I thought things were moving nicely, I get a call from him saying that he felt he owed it too his x-wife to give it 1 more try. What could I say other than "go for it". Anyway, that didn't work out for him and he still occasionally texts. For me, I'm over him in a romantic way. That was it. He obviously is confused and still loves his wife. I don't want to be in that triangle. The flip side goes like this. After a 2 week break from Mr. 7 and me thinking maybe he's NOT for me, he has me thinking maybe he IS.... Something about him is different. Very affectionate. Verbal. Sweet. He knows that I was pulling away and knows me well enough to know why. I havn't said anything about my discontent with our relationship. But seeing him the last 2 times had been very positive. I think I will give him what I want in a relationship and see if he gives it back. Goes something like "you get what you give", "the more love you give, the more love you get". The best way to describe it-- Be happy with what you have because at one time that was all you wanted.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

My Inner Bitch

Right now I think that I would feel a lot better if I could just let my inner bitch out! I am finding it hard to swallow right now that I may have just seen something just short of wonderful pass me by. The worst part is I can't change anything about this situation. Its out of my hands. All I can do is realize that I still decide to be happy. To live a full life. To be something amazing on this earth. My situations and whoever I'm with doesn't determine my happiness. So I stand back, be a good friend, always open to new things, and just be ME!

Monday, August 10, 2009

What Do I Want ?

What do I want? For a relatively simple question the answer is hard for me to answer. With that question I see 2 choices. Which one do I want? When in actuality in needs to be about me and what do I want? Maybe what they both have to offer isn't even what I want. So for clarity and for my sanity I want LOVE. True Love. Deep. Adoring. Can't stand to be without you. LOVE. I know that relationships take work. But I also know and see in real true form that Love can come into your life so quickly that you just might miss it. It doesn't wait for everything to be perfect. It doesn't always display itself as love at first but something that intrigues you and makes you think about where you are standing and who you are standing with. If you take that step and it captures your attention and something keeps pulling you like a magnet in that direction. Do you go? Or do you continue standing where you are?
What I have had for the past 6 months has been good. In the beginning, I would have said that it would be more than it is right now. It's not. But do I give that up? What if it gets better? What if he does Love me? What if he wants "US", but hasn't really made that clear? Does that mean he's not the one?
OR What if this man who has been on my mind for the last week is really it for me? He seems great? I can think about him and see a future so clearly. Am I rolling the dice? Am I making him more than he really is because its lacking with Mr.7? Or is he really someone that I want to walk with? And grow something amazing with? Like a Tree as my wise friend Miss A would say.
When I said love can come quickly I know first hand. Both of my sisters knew with their current husbands that they were IT! Both moved the relationship to the next level so fast that our family was somewhat shocked. They are both happy and in love. Both were dating other people when their spouses came into their lives and it was all very coincidence. I can relate my meeting up with Mr. BHS as being very similar.
The voice that keeps popping in my head is Noah from The Notebook when he was telling Allie "Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"
So with that being said, I know what I want.

I'm ME !

I'm me, i'm random, i'm funny, i'm fabulous, i'm loud, i'm annoying, i'm cute, i'm bubbly, i'm brunette, i'm shy, i'm personable, i'm nerdy, i'm ditzy, i'm smart, i'm loved, i'm missed, I'm me. I sing in the car and dance at work, but I go home and watch trashy TV shows like "Weeds" and "Entourage", I love to work with my hands and get dirty, I Love to write and draw. I Love to dress up and go out and be treated like a Princess. I believe in God. I believe in everyone having a soul mate. I believe in Fairy Tales. I'm a beautiful mix of contradictions. Fashion and Beauty are my chocolate!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

My Perfect Man

ADORES me, But doesn't let me walk all over him.
Make Me SMILE, But doesn't kiss my ass.
Can Make Me LAUGH, And tickling doesn't count.
Has FRIENDS That Are Girls, who get along with me but he knows where to draw the line with them.
Knows how to KISS me and makes me feel like he's speaking to my SOUL.
Lets me act SILLY and Goofy, but makes me feel like I'm the Sexiest women in the world.
Lets me fall asleep in his ARMS, but isn't bothered if I wake him in the middle of the night for some Lovin.
Understands how important my FAMILY is too me and knows how lucky he is to be able to call them his FAMILY as well.
Treats my DAUGHTERS like they were his own, and doesn't make them feel inferior.
Always on MY SIDE even if I'm wrong, and will tell me nicely when we are alone.
Tells me how he FEELS about me because he wants too and not because I ask.
Knows how much I value HONESTY, with the good and the bad.
Makes me feel SAFE and SECURE, and I'm never scared that he will hurt me or let anyone else hurt me.
Will never go to bed mad, angry or with issues unsettled because he values US.
A man that knows I can be stubborn and act very tough, but inside I'm just a little girl wanting a man to love me with all my flaws and imperfections. A man who makes me want to be a better person. A man who encourages my strengths and overlooks my weaknesses.
Doesnt seem like a very big order to fill, but I have yet to find the PERFECT MAN.
Yes I'm a dreamer. Yes, I believe in Fairy Tales. Yes. I believe in Happily Ever After. That will never change. He is out there and one day I will find him.

When Life Asks You Questions & But You Don't Know The Answers

Just when you think you have it together emotionally, something or someone makes you think again. I recently have reconnected with many of my high school friends. Mind you, that its been 20 years since I graduated. I dated the same person all through high school and never even thought about another boy. But the one that has recently captured my attention is a guy who was just nice and sweet. He dated some of the girls I hung out with. Never thought he was attracted to me. Maybe because I was so naive at that time. So for confidential reasons we will call him Mr. BHS (B High School)...
For starters Mr. BHS is way hotter now than 20 years ago. His body is rockin. You could do all your laundry on his washboard abs. His ass. OMG ! But besides the physical aspect (hard to not think about), he is still a nice, sweet guy. We get along. He has a son. He's a great parent. He's very verbal with his feelings about me. Which is a change for me considering Mr.7 doesn't tell me what his inner most thoughts are or about us. Is there an "us".? That's one of my questions that I don't have the answers for. Its been 6 months and we don't talk about the future. We don't have a commitment. We don't have plans. I don't know what he wants with me or from me. I feel like I'm just floating. Caught in midair. Not sure to go up or down. Now jumps in Mr. BHS. He has my attention in a big, big way. We haven't kissed or done anything at all. Just talked. Our kids met and we played video games. That's it. We talk about "what ifs" and "maybes". He knows about Mr.7 kinda, and doesn't ask too much. I think I might be in a pickle. I will keep you posted on my Mr., Mr. issues.